Creating win-win solutions, or how I figured out I was ready to be somebody's wife

I’m at school getting ready to participate in a negotiation role play. The exercise is part of my practicum course in conflict resolution and mediation.

We’ve had to mediate several different kinds of scenarios in this class, like land boundary conflicts and union workers’ concerns, but this particular one is a husband and wife trying to resolve some domestic discord. He wants her take care of everything in the house and she’s not having it. There are two pairs of partners who will take turns working in a ‘fish bowl’ – meaning everyone else in the class observes and assesses each negotiation as it takes place.

I am working with the other ‘wife’ preparing our side of the case while the two ‘husbands’ are in another room getting ready. The woman from the other pair is very optimistic and as we prepare she is saying things like ‘oh this is not so hard’ and ‘I’m sure we can work it out, no problem.’ She’s Mrs. ‘you know this is just as good as a done deal.’ Meanwhile I, very intentionally single, am very cynical and saying things like ‘forget it we’re going to get a divorce,’ ‘this is BS’, and ‘I don’t need this, he can just leave.'

The other pair goes first and the rest of the class is observing. We’re supposed to follow a process. I see the other ‘wife’ begin the process and then I watch the whole thing break down because she’s not listening to what he is saying. The conflict starts to escalate. You can see what’s happening - she stopped following the steps, she wasn’t present to him, and they blew themselves up.

We’re up next. First of all, my role play partner shows up with a flower. Awwww. Then, we just follow the process. He’s great about it and shockingly we work out the conflict, come to a mutually agreed resolution, and save the pretend marriage.

I was so completely blown away by this totally unexpected success. The solution wasn't wasn't romantic at all, it was mechanical. All you had to do was competently follow the process. In that moment, I said to myself ‘OK. I can get married now.’ And soon after that the hubs appeared in my life in all his glory and off we went.

When you are both committed to understanding and standing for each other's needs being met,  it allows for you to be a team. It allows for balanced partnership. It allows for equity. I think that's what flipped my switch when I first saw this working, the reason I call it the resource for a happy marriage. 

This tool is the one out of everything I learned in graduate school that I also have used the most at work. I don’t know why they don’t teach this in elementary school (!!) because building great relationships and resolving basic conflicts are things we would all benefit by knowing how to do.

And although I used this tool extensively at work I did not make full use of it in the context of my relationships with my managers until quite late in my career. If I could go back and add what was missing to take my game to the next level this would be it.

Because thinking about and being responsible for what your manager needs from you and approaching your work together as a committed partnership gives a different tone and quality to your relationship that has a much better shot at propelling your career forward.

So if you are interested in this and you want to learn how to use the process yourself, check out this one page instruction sheet and template. I’ll walk you step-by-step through how to do it and you can use the template to work through any future conflicts and build your relationships with aplomb. The video above also illustrates the process and how it can work for you.